fatvegan

Today I have been working. I haven't got much done, but it has been fun. Mmm. I don't think I have anything to say. I'm just waiting for the backup to finish, and I didn't have anything else to do. I tried to install some games but they're all a bit crap. Linux games are often crap. I could reply to some emails. That would have been a good idea. Maybe I'll just install Gaim instead. Dear me. It's quite big.

Actually, there were some things I've been thinking about. I was wondering the other day, if maybe it's easier to convince yourself to Fall In Love when you're super keen to have sex. So then you think, even if the relationship doesn't work out, at least maybe I'll get to have sex. I'm not sure. Maybe boys who really want to have sex go out a lot, and when they see a lad or lass they're attracted to they chase them until the person says "yes" or says "no" really loudly. Someone once told me they thought that Christians were happier to get married, because it meant they got to have sex. It's like a backup reason.

I reckon that might have been at the bottom of my mind at times in the past. Although maybe I just didn't worry about it then. Or maybe I fell in love with everyone I met, so it was simpler.

But if that's how everything works (and I'm not sure it does), then where does that leave people who don't really want to have sex. If God gave us hormones so we'd actually get off our bums, go down to the pub, and procreate (getting married first of course), then what happens to all the good modern guys and girls who've crushed their libido appropriately, and are kind of happy just being friends with everyone they meet.

It might be to do with coveting. I don't like coveting. But not because the woman or donkey might already be owned by someone else. Mostly because I don't think it's very healthy. Even to covet something you can have. The exception might be when someone else covets you back, and then you call it something different. Like Marital Bliss or Life-long Commitment. But if you stop coveting, then you kind of stop desiring. And maybe without desire human beings are broken. Maybe we've broken ourselves accidentily, by trying so hard not to covet anything. I don't think I want to start coveting. But I can't help but feel a little bit broken. There are so many good people, and I'm not interested in chasing any of them. Whether or not they want to be chased is a whole other question.

I'm a bit hungry. Although the wedges I had for lunch have kept me filled up for a good stint.

I hope I'm not broken. The whole reason I stopped being suicidal, back all those years, was because I didn't want to be broken. And for something to die willingly struck me as very broken indeed.

Maybe we should get a video tonight. Or I could find out what the chaps are doing.

I had a chat once with dad and Stella. I think I said something about wanting to have an operation to get the testerony, macho aspect of me removed. They didn't like that, I think because they're wholistic sorts that tend to believe that most things happen for a reason. Or that life isn't as simple as just taking out the bits you don't like. But I'm not really like that. There are lots of bits we take out. And lots of things we try to crush, or stop from having any influence. I suspect that the arrogant male persona hasn't yet fallen from grace. It's still too tied up with other male stereotypes, like courage and reliability and easy-goingness. I don't believe that those things have anything to do with being a man. And I don't think you need to keep the yucky aspects of "manliness" in order to preserve the good ones. It's not even about "exorcising" certains aspects of people or culture. It's just about encouraging nice things that men do (like digging in the garden), and discouraging un-nice things (like gang rape).

The backup is still pottering along merrily. It's up to "B". I think it has to go to "Z". Bum. Or Zum.

The lecturers at uni are so tops. Except for the social science woman, who's lovely, but not very good. Accounting especially. You can ask them absolutely anything, and they'll give you a detailed and good answer. It's nice being around so much knowledge. To think that you could probably spend a year sitting in a room with all of them, asking questions, and still think of things that they know and I don't know.

What do you do, if you like someone a lot, but they're going out with someone else, and you never tell them that you like them, but then they decide to get married to someone, who is very nice, but you don't think really that good for them? Do you just have to assume that they aren't secretly in love with you, and aren't marrying the other person because they think you'll never love them back? How will you be judged in heaven if you tell them, and they leave the other person, and spend the rest of their lives happily married to you? If you spend the rest of your lives unhappily married? If you start going out, and break up three weeks later? If they tell you to bugger off, but spend the rest of their married lives wondering?

Mum just rang. She'll be here in 40 minutes. The backup stopped. But I started it again. Lucky I was here.

Everything has been about love or sex so far. The next paragraph is going to be as well.

People sometimes say that women who get with random men they don't know, aren't respecting themselves. But I reckon it's the other way around. Men are far more likely to get with someone, and then talk with their mates about how pathetic the girl was for doing it. I some girl really likes a guy. And he pretends to like her so she'll sleep with him. Then he tells her to stuff off and tells his friends that she's stupid and doesn't have any personality. Who's the pathetic one? He's just slept with someone he doesn't even like, much less respect. He's manufactured a relationship for five minutes (if he's lucky) of fun. Which is nasty, but also kind of sad.

The girl on the other hand, has just slept with someone that she might have really liked. I don't know many girls who've slept with people they didn't like at all. I don't see how sleeping with someone you like, and think likes you, is disrespecting yourself at all.

Sleeping with someone you don't respect, is like going bowling with someone you hate, just because they offer to pay for your ticket. But far more pathetic. It would go both ways of course. I just don't know many women who tell lies to get laid. Or many men who get criticised for disrespecting themselves.

I think "disrespecting" is such a funny word. Whenever I heard it in that Offspring song it made me laugh.

I don't have any new ideas about economics at all.

Except to say, that my university is way conservative and is teaching all the students to be little Peter Costellos. Costellitos (cos-teh-yee-tos) we could call them. That's Spanish for "little Costello".

We have all these mini-hard disks lying around the office. They're so cute. If you put some fur on them, they'd make good pets.